Why I write

I want to feel good, that's why I write. I originally wanted to write that I want to feel better, but I think saying "good" makes it more consistently actionable while "better" implies a that where I am isn't enough. And there may be times when what I feel and do isn't enough, but if I'm already feeling good I don't want to run out by saying something stupid like, "I wanna feel better."

This makes sense to me as I'm working on getting out of the darkest time of my life. I was in full existential crisis. What is the point of my existence when everything looks so absurd in the face of death? I couldn't answer that question. I still can't. In the last two years I walked away from a "successful" career at a Fortune 500 company. I became estranged with my family and friends because I couldn't relate beyond my own contemplation and suffering. I wanted to commit suicide on more than one occasion and actually was hospitalized. I feel so dark, heavy and unhappy. Ungood. Heh. It's funny cuz that's how I felt. I looked like I must be feeling good because I had everything a newly graduated college student would want, but it wasn't a good feeling I felt day in and out. I hated myself.

So now I'm reading The Desire Map and realizing what I want to feel. Coming out of depression it is giving me the tools to not feel like a slave to my depression and anxiety. I can start looking into the future and making plans. I can start owning my feelings and at least pretending that what I'm doing matters. 

"Faith it 'til you make it." 

So we'll see. Today I wrote on this blog because I thought it would make me feel good. And it did.